Shame….

17th August 2025

The world and its people are unpredictable. We teeter into turbulence, violence and pain and out again. Against this backdrop, my interest in the concept of shame was sparked by an article on how mothers in conflict feel deep shame in not being able to look after their child. They are deprived of delivering on the most fundamental expectation of a mother. And who can deny their emotional despair given shame has existed for millennia and enfolds without asking. 

The term shame suggests you believe you are flawed and undeserving. It labels the whole person and can be triggered by specific or broader events and actions of our own doing or participation. I have always considered shame and guilt to be overlapping emotions encompassing shades of stupidity, unworthiness, anger, upset. Many times I have felt one or the other as a child, a parent, a friend, or from my attitude. Doubtless such feelings have plagued all of us one time or another but I was curious to learn the two emotions do diverge markedly….

Shame is fundamental to our being. It is not the same as guilt which although is also precipitated by having done or thought of something ‘wrong’, contrasts in not impacting our perception of ourselves. Both shame and guilt can be temporary feelings however shame can be paralysing. When shame engulfs, it seems to be the veil through which we assess our selves and can lead to difficult consequences including depression, reclusiveness, abandonment. The Stoics believed shame causes judgement of things outside of our control rather than an assessment of our true selves and hence was a damaging emotion. The counter arguments to the negativity an individuals’ shame rouses is found in Confucianism, where shame is thought to be crucial in helping understand yourself leading you to be a better person. Further, Aristotle considered shame significant in learning to be virtuous as we developed an appreciation of right and wrong. 

But shame treads an interesting path between the individual and society. When humans lived in tribes we did not have the ability to stockpile food and so life was much more about living in the moment. The key to survival depended deeply on co-operation and understanding of customs and rules. Those who did not were outcast and shunned. Shame caused individuals to clasp to expectations. As our communities grew, technology impacted the day to day and our lifestyles transformed. With such re-modelling emerged the desire to accumulate and the need to build hierarchies to support social order and efficient decision making. Social taboos abounded and so weakness was seen as shameful but as before, in this environment, an individuals fear of being rejected and the emotion of shame enabled pliability and co-existence. In fact, shame may have supported the long term survival of society. 

If you follow – regardless of tribe or community, small group or large, shame has been an aspect of society throughout time and must be a part of the social fabric of how and why we operate and hence thrive. Society sets values and expectations on each of us and I have always wondered in today’s confusing world what keeps most people obedient and compliant. Sure the law helps to enforce but there is something deeper in each of us encouraging adherence to these cultural norms. Without shame perhaps anarchy would flourish and the world would look very different? Though the counter is too much shame can lead to immobilisation, potentially societal stagnation and perhaps even to the blossoming of autocracy as our internalisation prevents us pressing for change. What is the right balance of its hold on us? In some countries it seems there are both tangible and invisible structures ensuring we are not all consumed by the fear of shame yet in others we lack that freedom. 

Somewhere in this post I wondered how to drop in the ‘Sidebar of shame’. Those sensational gossip bylines appearing on an infamous UK website logging the downfall and slip ups of the famous. It is clear we are transfixed by shame in others yet also repelled by its implication, we appreciate at times it is an agonising affliction to the individual. Furthermore while it feels a necessary element to a functioning society we should always be mindful of what adherence through shame prevents and the future we might be beckoning.