Who are you really…..

5th July 2026

‘We are what we pretend to be so we must be careful about what we pretend to be’. Kurt Vonnegut

At my leaving lunch for a position I have been involved with for 8 years, colleagues were bemused by the dawning awareness that there was so much about me and my behaviour they had no inkling of. Probably a good thing too! 

It caused me to ponder how many people really know us inside and out. For example – of what makes us tick or not; our traits when free from judgement; the honesty of our beliefs and opinions or the cares and fears which consume us. How much do we hide and how much do others just not see. Regardless of the presence of close loved ones, i’m sure many of us would admit to depths deliberately curtained off from even our consciousness. And then I wondered if it mattered? I concluded it is lonely not being yourself whatever the reason and it is possibly debilitating not being seen. Conversely it is thrilling when you can be. 

There are many possibilities as to why our inner selves are so coy. One explanation I read is we ourselves are not cognisant of what resides within. I find this a tricky viewpoint as it seems the sort of logic an unscrupulous therapist might suggest! But perhaps we are unable to be truthful to ourselves about what drives us, our needs and desires. What could also be plausible is unsurety or capability as to how to reveal our shrouded essence easily, particularly in superficial conversations which don’t lend to being honest. And even if we wish to, how do we come out without being judged? Especially if each of us or those in our spheres are sensitive to societal norms and we are convinced our inner spirit won’t fit the mould or worse will offend, alienate or hurt? I listened to a book review of a young man who returns home to a small insular village and couldn’t be or reveal himself because there was no one to be himself with or too. Is the concealing in some sense about preservation – not just of ourself but of the life we are living? The sliding door moment may be too risky to chance. 

These feelings have led to some disorientating, although not always taut, instances for me. But I don’t think I am alone in these occurrences. I’m sure we have all felt discombobulated in indiscriminate moments with friends or strangers. At times I am looking in on myself curious as to why I am being so constrained or what has caused me to be so free to publicise my essentia. It is difficult to pinpoint the divergence or melding of factors and context that allow either to occur unless like me you occasionally ‘show and tell’ a little to observe the reactions….

I love this line from Metallica’s 2003 track ‘Frantic’ – ‘my lifestyle determines my death-style’ which I’ve mis-appropriated to suggest for most of us, as we become older we are more comfortable with who we are, more snuggly fitting into our whole personality. At that point Illuminating our individuality to all and sundry feels lighter as frankly (as it should be at any stage in life) why should we care about the opinions of those we have no time for?

I have already written about the idea of personas https://curiosityandtherascal.co.uk/2023/12/10/to-alter-ego-or-to-not/ and how we adopt and adapt personalities dependant on circumstances and prompts. One of my many cloaks is of the gregarious character. Loud, full of opinions and laughter. It seems with this personality on show, I am an open book. What traits can I possibly be hiding if I reveal all so easily? Which leads me to another suggestion for the mis-match of our inner attributes and others perceptions of us. This could be in how humans absorb and decode information. Because we take simple pathways to make assessments of others and once made it is difficult to shift despite contradictory information. This can be due to information overload which encourages our brains to navigate the most direct route to an appraisal. Additionally we make assumptions on a person from body language, culture, stereotypes, past behaviour. Together for the most part, we see what we want to see unless we guard against it. 

I’ve no answer for this mental schism and i’m not suggesting it is always a bad thing to keep yourself to yourself. How you choose to be or perceived is highly personal. I suppose just being aware this could be the case for you or someone else is probably EQ enough. In the meantime confusing and surprising people is fun. Challenge accepted?